holychaos

If you would listen

2011-07-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

If you would listen, you would hear me say how much I love you.

I remember how I used to rock you and hold you every day for nap time until you started kindergarten. You are my precious daughter.

But now... I don't know. Nothing I say is right. I am forever irritating you with what I say-what I do-who I am.

Am I that bad? Am I the horrible mother you think I am?

What happened? I take you shopping,out to breakfast or lunch-I supported you in you goal of attending SCGSAH and am so happy you got in.

and now... you are leaving...to live there... ands I am

heartbroken.

I just want to hug you and tell you that I love you.

I wish you would just thank me and tell me you love me.

I hate this, I don't deserve your disrespect.

Maybe when you are away you will see the truth.

I love you forever-no matter what.

MercyMe - Beautiful

2011-02-12T17:38:00.000-08:00

Beautiful- MercyMe

2011-02-12T17:35:00.001-08:00

This song is so special to me. In the quiet of my heart I heard these very words being whispered by my God who loves me. God did not make me for the abuse that I have had over my life. He did NOT make anyone for that.

Barlow Girl

2011-01-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

Lindsey and I went to see Barlow Girl this Friday night. I was just going for her but I was the one who, I think got the most out of it. These women are the real deal. They are not just singing about God to make money and writing formula songs to be popular on Christian radio. They talked waiting when it seems like God is never going to answer and how that time causes us to set our roots down further so we will be stronger. They talked about not giving up and going for "the more." This spoke right to my heart. It is so hard to wait- to trust-. I want to do the opposite. I want to yell"WHERE ARE YOU and WHY HAVE YOU ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON FOR SO LONG?????"

Maybe healing is a process...maybe somethings in me needs to be fixed before God will change the things that hurt so bad. or give me the courage to instigate the removal of those things. hmm...

I bought a new Bible Study on Monday-"Breaking Free" Excited about doing it. I am doing it by myself. I have the cds. i am loving it. I will stick with it.

Kristene Mueller, Redemption (Jesus Culture)

2011-01-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

You Never Let Go - song by Matt Redman

2011-01-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

Snow and the Sphinx

2011-01-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

This is my sons' creation- the snow sphinx. A friend suggested that we submit the picture to the Atlanta High Museum of Art, so we did and won 2 tickets to the museum! lol

However, a couple of days later some vandals made off with the sphinx' head in the middle of the night. okay, so they must of had some tools and a truck because the head weighed about 30 pounds! it is kind of comical. Someone stole our sphinx' head. I hope they are enjoying it!

Bad mom

2011-01-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

His girl friend is afraid of me. Really??? just another control device to keep my son away from me.
hurt... I have given so much to this child. it feels like a slap on the face. it feels like she stole him-like her family stole him away from us. but our home is so bad.. and I am a bad mom.

bad for speaking the truth... that he is letting educational opportuniites slip thorugh his fingers while he is obsessed with her.

too bad for me. I am the villian. the bad mom. the monster.

what a lie.

My verse for 2011

2011-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." This is my verse for 2011. Deut. 31:6

I will not be afraid of grad school.
I will not be afraid of my children's disapproval
I will not be afraid of failing.

My family

2010-12-23T17:22:00.001-08:00

I love them to pieces! Maybe the big ones will like me again one day. I am their mom not their friend even though it tears my heart out when they are angry at me. One day.. when they have kids they will understand and see that I wasn't so bad and our family wasn't so bad,either and the girlfriend's family has their own issues even though they feel our home sucks and her house and parents are so perfect. In the meanwhile, I'll keep on giving and loving 110% and pray for better days.

First semester in grad school

2010-11-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

just about finished with my first semester at grad school in special education. i have never been so stretched in my life. it is so different than anything I have ever done. it is scary but I am trusting God to help me and see me through. I will get to leave Best Buy after Christmas. YAY!!! i just got hired w/ America Reads as a tutor and as a line therapist with SC Early Autism project. So fun AND so challenging. I love it. Goodbye retail- hello my new life. : )

News

2010-06-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, Six months later and a few life changes- my son graduated high school (wow! i am old!!! ) that is 2 children down 4 more to go.

I am still substitute teaching and I love it! I found that I really like special ed. i especially enjoy autistic kids! So, I am enrolled to start USC this fall-going for a MAT in special ed-severe and multiple.

So, I HAVE to tell you how this came about... sort of the very short blog version. I knew I wanted to go into special ed-thought that learning disabled would be my field. I had always wondered about working with autistic children. So, one night I just kind of prayed for a job subbing in an autism classroom. The very next day I had one and then again that Friday. TWO jobs in one week. i loved it!!! The children just got into my heart and they are there to stay.

I just applied for a teacher's assistant position in an autism preschool classroom. So, we will see. Not sure about working now-with taking 4 masters level courses starting in August. One thing I have learned over the past year and a half is to take one step at a time.

Take care!

This week

2009-12-29T13:41:00.000-08:00

Have you seen "The Princess and the Frog?"Fun movie! Katie said it was boring! so, I was in and out of the movie w/her. : 0

Next week Ryan has auditions for Eastman and All-state. I am nervous for him. The next week, Bill is taking Jonathan up to Boston for auditions at Berklee. Wow! My long haired musician sons!

My Blog

2009-12-26T10:41:00.001-08:00

I am really going to try to keep up with blogging this year. it was so fun in the past. I met so many different people and grew to love them. So today is perfect. the day after Christmas and one day before my birthday! I thought i was 47 last year but was really 46, so can I be 46 this year???

With 2010 right up on us I am looking forward to the newness of the year. I am thinking of some goals like:
This year I am going to try to keep believing even when it is hard.
I am going to try to get down to 120 pounds. LOL
I am hoping the goal before this one will NOT be a goal next year!

Take care!

True Story

2009-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night, I am sitting at a meeting next to an older gentleman that I just met. He asks me if I am from Columbia. I told him that I have been here for about 27 years, so it seems like I am. He then said

"You're older than 27?"

ROFL!!!!

okay, then Ryan is presented with an award and goes up to the head of the table, This same very kind (but maybe a tad out of it) asks me

"Is that your husband?"

True story. : )

Time for new pics

2009-05-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

Ryan is holding Katie. Lindsey looks scared! My sweet babies. Love them!
Ryan is losing weight and sleeping alot. Bill is taking him to the doctor on Monday.I am trying not to worry. but...

March 7,2009

2009-05-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

The day my life changed...

really, it was my first substitute teacher position.

to say i was scared... how about frozen w/fear???

but i just stepped out and God caught me...

my first job was the big dreaded HIGH SCHOOL... the bad one... in our district... gangs,,,drugs.kids bigger than me

I was simply AMAZED!!! I LOVED IT!!! being in that atmosphere... talking to the students. I love them.

it's weird, you see all of these scary looking kids while waiting in the car line and I thought.. "no way could I be a sub...or a high school teacher..".

in the classroom...it's different. I see them as individuals ... not scary

compassion,passion, joy... excitement!!!!

so, i am pursuing teaching in high school... social studies. i start my classes in 2 weeks.

I am so glad that nursing didn't work out. am i flaky???

sort-of,

I know. lol

Can I remember how to blog?

2009-05-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

so, my poor forgotten blog...

i am out of practice...short on creativity...

so, i will juast tell you what's been going on..

new job....

life is changing...

would not go back to last year...

glad for the way things have worked out..

have missed writing...

look forward to catching up with all of you out here..

going to try to take my life back from facebook! lol

The Best Buy Christmas

2008-12-22T22:08:00.000-08:00

The season of working at BB is almost over. I could call it the season of humility lessons.

Forty people were hired for Christmas.... only 8 will be hired on after the holidays...

I thought I had a good chance w/ all of my experience BUT I lost a stupid check from my register for $50 and I am not the brightest light bulb brain wise sometimes.

So... I wait....

We need the $$$$$. I need to be home..... same old dilemma.

Today I was driving listening to Christmas music. I have really been struck on Jesus, as a precious little baby. It brings tears to my eyes. so amazing....

Amazing that God would give such a preious gift to us... to me....

I had wondered if God ever regretted it... like how could he not feel regret for sending Jesus to save us? What am I compared to Jesus.

I know God doesn't regret it at all... just the opposite....

His love takes my breath away...

This Really Sucks

2008-11-16T14:26:00.000-08:00

okay, i have started my j.o.b at Best Buy. Yes, I AM thankful for a job. however...

I AM SICK OF WORKING NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS!!

Today I go to an employee meeting. We break out into departments. This is the first time meeting all of my co-workers. One of my son's friends work there. (ugg... that really bugs me that I am working with my children's friends... I feel like such a loser)

anyway, the dept. mgr announces that we are going to have a contest and divide up into 2 teams...My son's friend is a captain along with this other girl. then the dept mngr announces that they are going to choose teams.

oh no!!!! I am having flash backs to middle school....

Yes, I am chosen last.... on my son's friend's team

This situation just sucks... sorry for the language... but I am struggling here....

I have been working nights and weekends for 18 years.....

I could be a manager for heaven's sake.... if I didn't have my children....if I didn't have 6 sweet kids...i love them... love them with a passion.... love them so much that I will work at Best Buy... trying not to cry because i hate this so bad...

I could be a nurse... or a teacher....

I trying not to feel bad about myself... but

just but...

Where Have I Been?

2008-11-11T19:30:00.001-08:00

Top 10 Reasons that I Have Not Been Blogging

1. I am taking my kids EVERYWHERE. I live in my car and it looks it!

2. I am been loving going to Gold's gym and working out. whoo who!!! LOVE IT!!!

3. I went and had my hair touched up. The price has gone up so I am not so sure that i will be able to afford to go again....

hmm, after second thought I will... I will just HAVE to find a way...

4. I am Lindsey's homeroom mom.

5. I am Lindsey's soccer team's mom.

6. I started a new job at Best Buy. I wish I could DITCH that stupid blue shirt.

7. I went shopping to find cool clothes to go with that blue shirt that will make me feel better about the whole thing. Best Buy is really NOT me.

8. I actually went out of town by MYSELF to visit my friend, Gina, in Fernandina Beach. I got to listen to what i wanted on the radio and turned it up. NO ONE complained about the "80's music

9. I have been trying to get all of the clothes,shoes, and accessories ready for my daughters to be in our church's over the top Christmas play. this program is SO much work but worth it on the performance days. : )

10. the number one reason that I have not been blogging:

I Have Been On Facebook.

okay, so now I am off to visit some more of my fav blogs.

xoxo

Thank you, Sue

2008-10-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Sue at Praise and Coffee has monthly givaways and MUCH to my surprise... I won! she had a garage sale and sent three bloggers a box of her "stuff"

Here are the pictures!

I love the "Hope." I was having a really bad day and I just prayed to God, more like talking actually, saying..." I'm feeling really low on hope"

and Guess What I received in the mail just a couple of hours later?!

Yes, I got a little 'Hope."

God sure has a sense of humor! Oh, and Bill's new digital camera came at the same time! So, thanks to Bill for taking the pics and showing me how to access them!

Family Pictures... at last!!

2008-10-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

Picture 1 is my sweet Hannah, she is 11... almost 12.
Picture 2 is my sweet Katie.... and her bandaged finger. she had a severe reaction to some sort of spider bite... two huge blisters formed... It looks like a bad burn... We have had daily dr's visits to make sure it is healing, : (

Picture 3 is me and my precious daughter, Lindsey. She is very soon to be 6 years old.

Status Updates that I wish i could put on my facebook.

2008-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Natalie:

needs to get a life

doesn't know what to think about her church

is afraid to vote one or the other in the election.

is too obsessed with exercise

is missing friends

wishes my family could move

hates cliques and elitism

wishes I loved more... had the capacity to love more

isn't conservative

isn't liberal, either

Tell Me What You Think

2008-09-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

Alright, with all of the financail concerns in the news, I would like to pose a question...

Do you think that the US is headed for certain economic disaster on the level of the Great Depression?

I was surprised to hear of people that are beginning to stockpile food, water and other essentials.
I really hope that our country does not have to go through that suffering but i have been thinking that the US is such an anomoly. Other nations suffer.
We have more "stuff" than the rest of the world.

Do you think that US Christians are going to go through a time of intense persecution?

Again, We all know of the extreme persecution around the world.

Do you think that these two questions are tied to the upcoming election?
oops! a political question... will it get me in trouble????

He has rescued me with His strong right hand...sing alleluia

2008-09-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Those are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Roy Fields!

It is so true in my life. Today while I was at the gym, I watched "I Lost It." Great show on how people lost an extreme amount of weight. I felt like crying for them. both ladies talked about the freedom that they feel now. I can say..

So do I!!!!

A couple of years ago... 10 years ago actually... God showed my this passage in Isaiah 43:

"Fear not, For I am with you. I have summoned you by name, you are MINE (i just love that)

WHEN you pass through the waters , I will be with you...they will not sweep over you.
WHEN you walk through the fire... you will not be burned..."

That does not sound like fun... and it isn't

Water= anorexia & binging

Fire= the "stuff" that causes be to binge and starve myself

fear of rejection...past hurts...

BUT

God is with me... because:

" He is the Lord my God...
since you,(me) are precious and honored in His sight...

AND

because He loves us" Is43 1-4

those verses makes my eyes well up with tears almost every time...

they have been burned into my heart.

Read This... so True.... by Katherine Ruonala

2008-09-18T10:35:00.001-07:00

Job 42:5

"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You. Therefore I abhor myself, And repent in dust and ashes."

Truly there is a cleansing wave moving through the church. Seeing God in his holiness brings us to a place where we remember how small we are and how ugly sin and pride is. Listening to Heidi Baker preach tonight I was reminded of a word the Lord spoke to me many years ago in my living room. It was near midnight when everyone else was asleep and I'd heard the Lord call me to pray. As I talked with Him about the desire in my heart to see the lost saved and the sick healed I remember hearing the Father say to me, "you'll need to take off your jewellery". I didn't really understand what the Lord was meaning. Jewellery to me was stuff that made you pretty - why did He need me to take it off? But true beauty does not come from outward adornments and I believe that the Lord was speaking to me about the things I would do and say to try to make myself pleasing and acceptable to others. Interestingly, the more I tried, the more I seemed to find rejection.

God is looking for broken and contrite hearts that have run into a revelation of the Glory of God. Seeing Him shows our adornments for what they really are - rubbish compared to His beauty. All our efforts at making ministry acceptable, our efforts to make ourselves attractive, our self-righteousness and our selfish ambition, our self-promotion, self-pity and jealousy are shown up in His light as the dung they really are and we are brought to a place of loathing it all. It is there, in that place of revelation that we must humble ourselves so that He can lift us up.

In this time of global shaking, repent and humble yourself before God. Seek His face and the Lord will reveal His majesty to you and give you eye salve so that you can see your true state and cry out for the help that we all so desperately need from Him. I am so excited about all God has in store for us this week at the Glory Gathering. Thank-you Father for your cleansing wave. Lord give us eyes to see and ears to hear what you are saying and doing and help us to offer ourselves up as sacrifices for your Glory.

Much love,
Katherine

This is from a newsletter that I recieve from Katherine Ruonala. Here is the link to her site:newday.com.au

Slaying Giants

2008-09-17T19:46:00.000-07:00

So, I took a little break from blogging and i returned because I really wanted to write about the new journey that I am on.

It is actually a journey that I have been walking for WAY too long. I am going to be transparent... i just can't help it... I just have a big mouth! lol

Giant number 1-anorexia... from the time I was 16

starving myself

Giant number 2- Binging(is that how you spell it?)

Two sides of the same coin....

Pictures-2006

2008-09-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

I am not very good at this! The first pic is Jonathan,the second is Emily, and the third is Lindsey.

My New Blog!

2008-09-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have missed blogging!

I have been wanting to re-create my blog but have been so busy doing...

Workouts! I joined Gold's Gym on August 1. I love it! I do RPM and Body Pump classes and "run" on the treadmill. I say "run" very loosely because I am so slow.

DRIVING my kids EVERYWHERE!!!!! I am in that old van as much as 4-6 hours a day!!!!! Maybe I will start listening to books on cd!!!! lol

Face book! I live on there. It is fun and addicting...

but I have missed my blog friends.

I am going to post pics on the blog. PROMISE!!! I am buying my husband a new camera for his birthday... so I can use it to show you all my life lol!!!

I am so excited blogging again!

I am tired of the old templates. Where and who can I get to do a really nice blog for me?... inexpensive like?....

Welcome to my new blog! I look forward to this new journey!

xoxox