If you would listen

If you would listen, you would hear me say how much I love you.

I remember how I used to rock you and hold you every day for nap time until you started kindergarten. You are my precious daughter.

But now... I don't know. Nothing I say is right. I am forever irritating you with what I say-what I do-who I am.

Am I that bad? Am I the horrible mother you think I am?

What happened? I take you shopping,out to breakfast or lunch-I supported you in you goal of attending SCGSAH and am so happy you got in.

and now... you are leaving...to live there... ands I am

heartbroken.

I just want to hug you and tell you that I love you.

I wish you would just thank me and tell me you love me.

I hate this, I don't deserve your disrespect.

Maybe when you are away you will see the truth.

I love you forever-no matter what.

MercyMe - Beautiful

Beautiful- MercyMe

This song is so special to me. In the quiet of my heart I heard these very words being whispered by my God who loves me. God did not make me for the abuse that I have had over my life. He did NOT make anyone for that.

Barlow Girl

Lindsey and I went to see Barlow Girl this Friday night. I was just going for her but I was the one who, I think got the most out of it. These women are the real deal. They are not just singing about God to make money and writing formula songs to be popular on Christian radio. They talked waiting when it seems like God is never going to answer and how that time causes us to set our roots down further so we will be stronger. They talked about not giving up and going for "the more." This spoke right to my heart. It is so hard to wait- to trust-. I want to do the opposite. I want to yell"WHERE ARE YOU and WHY HAVE YOU ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON FOR SO LONG?????"

Maybe healing is a process...maybe somethings in me needs to be fixed before God will change the things that hurt so bad. or give me the courage to instigate the removal of those things. hmm...

I bought a new Bible Study on Monday-"Breaking Free" Excited about doing it. I am doing it by myself. I have the cds. i am loving it. I will stick with it.

Kristene Mueller, Redemption (Jesus Culture)

You Never Let Go - song by Matt Redman

Snow and the Sphinx

This is my sons' creation- the snow sphinx. A friend suggested that we submit the picture to the Atlanta High Museum of Art, so we did and won 2 tickets to the museum! lol

However, a couple of days later some vandals made off with the sphinx' head in the middle of the night. okay, so they must of had some tools and a truck because the head weighed about 30 pounds! it is kind of comical. Someone stole our sphinx' head. I hope they are enjoying it!

Bad mom

His girl friend is afraid of me. Really??? just another control device to keep my son away from me.
hurt... I have given so much to this child. it feels like a slap on the face. it feels like she stole him-like her family stole him away from us. but our home is so bad.. and I am a bad mom.

bad for speaking the truth... that he is letting educational opportuniites slip thorugh his fingers while he is obsessed with her.

too bad for me. I am the villian. the bad mom. the monster.

what a lie.

My verse for 2011

Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." This is my verse for 2011. Deut. 31:6

I will not be afraid of grad school.
I will not be afraid of my children's disapproval
I will not be afraid of failing.

My family

I love them to pieces! Maybe the big ones will like me again one day. I am their mom not their friend even though it tears my heart out when they are angry at me. One day.. when they have kids they will understand and see that I wasn't so bad and our family wasn't so bad,either and the girlfriend's family has their own issues even though they feel our home sucks and her house and parents are so perfect. In the meanwhile, I'll keep on giving and loving 110% and pray for better days.

First semester in grad school

just about finished with my first semester at grad school in special education. i have never been so stretched in my life. it is so different than anything I have ever done. it is scary but I am trusting God to help me and see me through. I will get to leave Best Buy after Christmas. YAY!!! i just got hired w/ America Reads as a tutor and as a line therapist with SC Early Autism project. So fun AND so challenging. I love it. Goodbye retail- hello my new life. : )

News

So, Six months later and a few life changes- my son graduated high school (wow! i am old!!! ) that is 2 children down 4 more to go.

I am still substitute teaching and I love it! I found that I really like special ed. i especially enjoy autistic kids! So, I am enrolled to start USC this fall-going for a MAT in special ed-severe and multiple.

So, I HAVE to tell you how this came about... sort of the very short blog version. I knew I wanted to go into special ed-thought that learning disabled would be my field. I had always wondered about working with autistic children. So, one night I just kind of prayed for a job subbing in an autism classroom. The very next day I had one and then again that Friday. TWO jobs in one week. i loved it!!! The children just got into my heart and they are there to stay.

I just applied for a teacher's assistant position in an autism preschool classroom. So, we will see. Not sure about working now-with taking 4 masters level courses starting in August. One thing I have learned over the past year and a half is to take one step at a time.

Take care!

This week

Have you seen "The Princess and the Frog?"Fun movie! Katie said it was boring! so, I was in and out of the movie w/her. : 0

Next week Ryan has auditions for Eastman and All-state. I am nervous for him. The next week, Bill is taking Jonathan up to Boston for auditions at Berklee. Wow! My long haired musician sons!

My Blog

I am really going to try to keep up with blogging this year. it was so fun in the past. I met so many different people and grew to love them. So today is perfect. the day after Christmas and one day before my birthday! I thought i was 47 last year but was really 46, so can I be 46 this year???

With 2010 right up on us I am looking forward to the newness of the year. I am thinking of some goals like:
This year I am going to try to keep believing even when it is hard.
I am going to try to get down to 120 pounds. LOL
I am hoping the goal before this one will NOT be a goal next year!

Take care!

True Story

Tuesday night, I am sitting at a meeting next to an older gentleman that I just met. He asks me if I am from Columbia. I told him that I have been here for about 27 years, so it seems like I am. He then said

"You're older than 27?"


ROFL!!!!

okay, then Ryan is presented with an award and goes up to the head of the table, This same very kind (but maybe a tad out of it) asks me

"Is that your husband?"

True story. : )

Time for new pics

Ryan is holding Katie. Lindsey looks scared! My sweet babies. Love them!
Ryan is losing weight and sleeping alot. Bill is taking him to the doctor on Monday.I am trying not to worry. but...

March 7,2009

The day my life changed...

really, it was my first substitute teacher position.

to say i was scared... how about frozen w/fear???

but i just stepped out and God caught me...

my first job was the big dreaded HIGH SCHOOL... the bad one... in our district... gangs,,,drugs.kids bigger than me

I was simply AMAZED!!! I LOVED IT!!! being in that atmosphere... talking to the students. I love them.

it's weird, you see all of these scary looking kids while waiting in the car line and I thought.. "no way could I be a sub...or a high school teacher..".

in the classroom...it's different. I see them as individuals ... not scary

compassion,passion, joy... excitement!!!!

so, i am pursuing teaching in high school... social studies. i start my classes in 2 weeks.

I am so glad that nursing didn't work out. am i flaky???

sort-of,

I know. lol

Can I remember how to blog?

so, my poor forgotten blog...

i am out of practice...short on creativity...

so, i will juast tell you what's been going on..

new job....

life is changing...

would not go back to last year...

glad for the way things have worked out..

have missed writing...

look forward to catching up with all of you out here..

going to try to take my life back from facebook! lol

The Best Buy Christmas

The season of working at BB is almost over. I could call it the season of humility lessons.

Forty people were hired for Christmas.... only 8 will be hired on after the holidays...

I thought I had a good chance w/ all of my experience BUT I lost a stupid check from my register for $50 and I am not the brightest light bulb brain wise sometimes.

So... I wait....

We need the $$$$$. I need to be home..... same old dilemma.

Today I was driving listening to Christmas music. I have really been struck on Jesus, as a precious little baby. It brings tears to my eyes. so amazing....

Amazing that God would give such a preious gift to us... to me....

I had wondered if God ever regretted it... like how could he not feel regret for sending Jesus to save us? What am I compared to Jesus.

I know God doesn't regret it at all... just the opposite....

His love takes my breath away...

This Really Sucks

okay, i have started my j.o.b at Best Buy. Yes, I AM thankful for a job. however...

I AM SICK OF WORKING NIGHTS AND WEEKENDS!!

Today I go to an employee meeting. We break out into departments. This is the first time meeting all of my co-workers. One of my son's friends work there. (ugg... that really bugs me that I am working with my children's friends... I feel like such a loser)

anyway, the dept. mgr announces that we are going to have a contest and divide up into 2 teams...My son's friend is a captain along with this other girl. then the dept mngr announces that they are going to choose teams.

oh no!!!! I am having flash backs to middle school....

Yes, I am chosen last.... on my son's friend's team

This situation just sucks... sorry for the language... but I am struggling here....

I have been working nights and weekends for 18 years.....

I could be a manager for heaven's sake.... if I didn't have my children....if I didn't have 6 sweet kids...i love them... love them with a passion.... love them so much that I will work at Best Buy... trying not to cry because i hate this so bad...

I could be a nurse... or a teacher....

I trying not to feel bad about myself... but

just but...